Superstitious? I am not. But my mother was. When I was 10, I would wear one of my dad's high school basketball jerseys. It was #13. That summer, my grandmother failed to yield at one of the notorious, unsigned rural intersections. A pick-up struck us from the right. I was in the passenger seat, wearing a seatbelt - imagine that in 1971 - saving my life. I suffered a severe concussion and hairline skull fracture. My younger brother was in the back . He got tossed around a little. But suffered shock mostly from seeing his older brother apparently dead. Grandmother's recovery wass the longest though. Several weeks. She would have been 60 at the time. I can understand now, at age 48, why recovery takes longer as we age. I think it mostly because we worry it more as we age. The body may have less capacity to heal. Anyway, I digress. My mother attributed the accident to my wearing the basketball jersey. I still have it - reminder to self - there is a picture I recall of me or my brother wearing the shirt - find, scan and post the picture.
So I missed a few days writing. Was this a slip in discipline or a loss of interest? Was I too preoccupied? Had I nothing to say? Was I giving up? The answer is "yes" and "no" to all those questions. I keep forgetting how we want to be dominated or controlled by absolutes. There, another absolute.
I want to be dominated or controlled by absolutes. I want to resist gray, or in-between states. I said at the outset, I believe, that I would write every day. Well I have not. Hence failure. Absolute failure. On that alone though. What meaning do I give to that. Goals are simply goals. If my life is a game and my winning depends on the number of goals I achieve, then what does that say about me if I have not made goals. I still feel like I am winning. Only right now that feeling is not so clear. My essence cannot feed me.
